Choices and how not to deal

The day before a big break always has a feeling of wrongness to it for me. Everyone seems on edge and I'm always a little nervous that bad things will happen when I'm away, and when I get back everything will be different and scary.

Oh yes... I also don't want to work tonight.

Also, I've been spending way too much time thinking. And I'm tired and irritable, worried about my sister, etc.

What I really want to do is talk to people, but I don't forsee that happening for a while. I'm lonely as hell right now, I know that work is going to be absolutely dead tonight, and it seems like everyone I want to talk to is either gone or otherwise unavailable. The past three days or so have been super-stressful, and now I want to decompress and I can't.

I don't feel like eating dinner, even though I know I have to be at work in 45 minutes. I sorta want to go out later, but that's a dumb idea. I'll try and write tonight, and I know I won't be able to come up with anything worthwhile. I need to start writing fiction again, something that I'm willing to spend some time on. Problem is, my ideas don't exactly mesh anywhere. I'm really not satisfied with the piece I turned in for Fiction class.

Dammit, I want... I dunno what I want. That seems to be my problem lately. Paralyzed by choice. I can make any choice I wish, which leads me to make no choice whatsoever. Sometimes I just wish someone would tell me what to do for a change, so that I don't have to figure it out on my own. Make the little decisions for me. Maybe even the big ones. That way, whatever happens, it won't be on my conscience. Except that I always have choice... damn vicious cycle...

I napped for maybe twenty minutes today. By "napped", I mean I laid in bed and tried to will myself to sleep, which never ever works. Wow, philosophy classes are starting to sink in....

My hands hurt today, ironic because the fiction piece I wrote is about a girl who contracted arthritis in her mid-teens, so badly that the possibility of her being a concert pianist evaporated and she's left always trying to chase down her dreams. I've never been diagnosed with arthritis, but I think I have it to some extent in my hands, in the joints at the base of my thumbs and in some of the middle knuckles, especially on my right hand. They're sore today, and I'm not sure if it's from stress or the power of suggestion or just because I've been typing so much lately. Whatever, they ache. Not terrible, but still.

I'm going now. I might blog again tonight, or I might not. Either way, I'm leaving for break in the morning. Bye.