I think I'm broken

I sat down here at 9:30 intending to get some work done. Next thing I know, I'm waking up at a quarter after midnight with no real recollection of where the last three hours went. I very vaguely remember crawling into bed after nearly falling asleep on top of my computer. In any case, nothing I intended to do got done, and I'm feeling very bad. At the same time, my head hurts and I can't think. I think I'll feel even worse tomorrow. Goddammit. I don't even know what to do now. Should I sit here and try to do work that's almost definitely not going to be worth anything, or should I go to bed and just let the guilt pile up on me? Fuck. I don't know. And not knowing makes me sit here and do nothing.

Also, I'm sad because every relationship I want is over before it starts. I want so badly to be in love, but the guys I fall for can never know. I'm feeling sort of like a lost cause here. I mean, I'm still a person, I still have the same fucking emotions and everything as everyone else, but I can't ever express them beyone superficial amusement. Otherwise I'm just going to drive people away, because I percieve it as some sort of insult for me to fall for a person because I'm unattractive and no one's dream girl. I want someone to love me. Most of the time it doesn't hurt so bad but tonight it feels like I'm falling apart and I know why but I can't say it to anyone who matters, and I can't write it here because of the people who read this and because if I write it down it makes it real, everything becomes concrete and then I can't hide behind my stupid private little love poems and daydreams and real dreams. I've been dreaming of one particular person every night this week, always running after him and never being able to catch him and I think that's a very fucking blatant metaphor for what's going on here. I'm 20 and never been on a date, never been kissed or had anyone say that they love me, and I'm feeling completely unlovable.

So tonight I'm tired and hurting and my eyes are all ringed with black from my damn mascara bleeding cuz I've been crying. And it sucks for me to feel this way because most of the day went rather well and I had fun. I don't know what I'm going to do now; probably write some impassioned and worthless piece of crap for my homework and go to bed for real this time.