Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Anniversaries of a more serious sort

Two years ago, on February 14, one of my cousins killed himself.

Two years ago, on February 15, I decided not to.

It's so strange to think back on it now. I still remember those two days very clearly. The phone calls. The crying. My own terror at being a failure. The realization of how much pain I would cause my mother if I were to commit suicide. Above all, my own resolution that I could not hurt someone I loved, no matter how much I was hurting. I am very, very grateful for that lesson, though it came at a terrible price.

Another anniversary is coming up in a few months. On May 12, it will be one year since the last time I deliberately injured myself--a major victory, since that hasn't happened since I was in about 10th grade. I plan to celebrate.

So why am I posting this? I'm not sure... lots of things on my mind recently. February is a difficult month for a lot of people, myself included. Maybe it's just a reminder to myself that things could be worse.

And now, since it's getting close to 2 AM, I think it's about time for me to go to sleep.

4 comments:

stephen said...

Angel,
I have had the same problem as you in the past. It is impossibly tough to deal with...but, what is worse is trying to describe HOW you feel inside. That was the hardest for me, anyway. Just know that you have a huge core of friends (which I fancy myself a part of, albeit on the outer rim), and there is at least one person who knows the gist of what you are going through.

You know where I hang if you need to chat.

stephen said...

Angel,
I have had the same problem as you in the past. It is impossibly tough to deal with...but, what is worse is trying to describe HOW you feel inside. That was the hardest for me, anyway. Just know that you have a huge core of friends (which I fancy myself a part of, albeit on the outer rim), and there is at least one person who knows the gist of what you are going through.

You know where I hang if you need to chat.

Angel said...

Yup, Stephen, you're definitely a friend. And a good man, besides. It's comforting to be reminded that I'm not the only one who has had problems. Thanks.

Brooke said...

Glad you are here with us babe. You are unreplaceable.

Seeing how you are an absolutely fabulous writer you could take these lessons that you have learned, and feelings you have felt so intensely and make an excellant essay.

This is something that has helped me tremendously with some of my issues in the past, and present. The benefits can be twofold: you help yourself, and (if shared) you can help others. Like you said it is nice to know you aren't the only one who has had problems. The way I see it is if we make it through tough times, we should help others through theirs.

Hugs :)