Friday, March 18, 2005

Insecurity, loneliness, and other curses

I've got this weird, sick, dizzy feeling in my stomach that things aren't going to be the same now, that I'm going to be all alone again. This happens after every time I've spent a lot of time alone. Watching a movie and getting ice cream with some friends tonight helped, but now that I'm alone again I've got that little shock of terror running through me.

I know I should really be more secure. I know that my friends aren't just going to forget about me. Dammit, I know that. The fact that I spent time with some of them tonight, and that others called me to see what I was up to should be proof of it.

But being alone breeds loneliness, and for me loneliness is a curse, something to be feared.

Overly angsty? Maybe. I'm still as stressed as I was when I went into break, only now it's just different stressors. More family stuff, less school-related. I need some time to just be with people and not have to worry about pleasing everyone all the time. I have to remember that people will like me and accept me the way I am.

So tomorrow I'm going out again. I really need this. I need to be with my friends. I need to shirk responsibility for a while. Maybe most of what I need is to sleep in my own bed and not have to wake up until I'm damn good and ready. Yeah, that sounds really good. So... 'til tomorrow morning, adieu.

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