Having another "oh my God, what in the hell do I think I'm doing?" kind of moment.
I have one hour until I can go home.
All of life seems to be going so very very fast all of a sudden. It's November. How did it get to be November? How did Halloween already come and go? And the leaves... all gone. I'm still mentally stuck back in September.
I feel like I lost something, something more than just time. It's a feeling of yearning, longing... deep and empty and cold. And lonely. Alone in a crowd. There's people all around me and still I feel like I'm all alone. It's a feeling that I can't shake. I'm trying to get away from it, to be removed and objective and reasonable. It's hard, though.
What is good enough? Who is pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough? Successful enough? Who is ever satisfied? Who has stopped trying to please other people, really, sincerely? Who thinks that they are not crazy? Who thinks that other people can understand how they feel?
Who reads this, anyway? A handful of random friends, who I love. As far as I know, that's it. The "intellectual and creative elite" of Bemidji (if such can be said to exist), and maybe a few others.
I got a B on my German test. I thought I would get a C or lower, and I got a B. That should make me happy, right? And it did when I got it.
I need to write again, work on a novel or something. The story about the girl who can't be fixed, and maybe doesn't want to be, and the boy who still wants to try. And then I wonder if I'm that girl. Except I want to be fixed, I think. But I question the cost. What of creativity? What of deep and perpetual feeling? Will I still be able to write if I can't channel that place where blackness thickens into sensuous anguish?
I want to get better, but I don't know who I'll be after that. I've been like this so long that I don't know who's behind the layer of melancholy. What if I don't like her? What if she can't see the world as rich and sad and sacred? What if she can't see the tiny joys that sparkle against the background of darkness and stand out so much more than if everything around them was light and airy?
Will I lose the compassion I have for people? Will I lose the ability to see them as me and me as them? Will I still have empathy?
I don't think these are rational questions. I think that people will scoff at them, because isn't it so much better to be happy, no matter the cost?