Saturday, February 14, 2004

Bad Trip (not THAT kind of trip...)

Well. Here's the news of the day: momma cat is DEFINITELY in heat, apparently they're gonna find some way to get her and her daughter spayed on Monday. All of today has been stressful, moneywise. There's just no way for me to get around it anymore. I have to get a job. I don't want to be home anymore. It's like Bemidji is one of those magical places where, once I get there, all my troubles go away. This is called avoidance. It's bad for you. But oh, so blissful when it works. I wanna get back to my friends and my books and my computer and my bed and that tiny room where I can keep everyone out if I want. What I want, I think, is autonomy. I wish I could afford to pay my way through college without all these loans and stuff. Stupid fucking legislators who don't care one whit about education or really anything but their own fuckin pocketbooks. Or ballot boxes. Or both. It's not just them, either. It's our governor and our president, too. Hell, even my parents are starting to agree with me. Once my conservative parents start to side with the liberals, there is something seriously fucked up about the country.

I don't want to come back any time soon. Everything here is just irritating me, and right now I can't really fathom coming back here for the summer. But I can't afford to stay in school over the summer. I have a feeling that I'm just going to be miserable. But there's no one up in Bemidji to keep me company over the summer, either. So it'd suck either way. I'll just have to find a full-time job and do what I can to stay out of the house for three months.

I just don't know what to do. I need to get out of this house soon, for good. I wish I could get an apartment or something. Can't afford it, tho. Maybe if I make enough money, I'll stay in Bemidji for the summer anyway and just go to school. I'm a semester behind, anyway. Even taking 18 credits/semester for the next two years won't get me up to speed. I have to go at least one summer, but I can't afford it. Money sucks. It does. It makes people miserable. No... wanting makes people miserable. That's closer to the truth. But it's not possible to live without want, even if it's just want for something small like a softer bed or a sandwich when you're hungry. So life=want, want=misery, therefore life=misery? Didn't I read something like that in a Buddhism book? Arg. **insert string of cussing that would make a sailor blush**

I should just go to bed. I'm driving home tomorrow. When I get there I can get a few groceries, sit down and read my assignments, maybe talk to Erin... and Monday, there's writer's group and I actually have a piece. I'll get to see my friends again. And... before I go home, i'm gonna stop at a little place I know and buy my own polyhedral (more or less than six sides) dice. :) Tee-hee! I'll get nice ones... shiny ones... green ones? I liked the transparent ones I saw... one of the guys had purple, blue, and goldish-yellow transparent ones. I think I'd like green or red or something different. **WARNING! Girly thought ahead!** They're just so pretty... **end girly thought.** As a matter of fact... I think that most of the ones I saw were purple. Weird.

Time to sleep. So much to do tomorrow. It'll be a better day. I'm sure of it. Adieu.

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