Monday, February 02, 2004

Goin' insane tonight

It's an Elliott Smith night again tonight. Current song: Angeles.

Haven't been sleeping well or long enough, and napping doesn't seem to help. I have nightmares and when I nap, I end up not really sleeping but going into these weird trance-like half-awake states, like sleep paralysis that lasts for half an hour or so and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel like I'm plugged into an electric socket with this odd buzzing feeling going through me and all I can do is listen to the TV in the background and ride it out. And I'm seeing things, flashes of light and movement and ghosts in the corners. So, am I going nuts? Or am I just sleep-deprived? I dunno. It's just been a crappy fucking day. Even going to writers' group didn't make me feel better. Usually laughing at Froyd and/or Hans helps, but not tonight. Grumpy and pissed off, and no one to aim it at but myself.

Lookin for somebody's arms to wave away past harms....

Does that every happen? Are there people out there who try and make you feel better? Or do you just have to get really good at healing thyself in order to function? I know I was happy about three days ago. Hell, I was in a pretty decent mood yesterday. I hope it's just that it's Monday. Monday sucks. I feel ugly and lazy and stupid and worthless on Mondays. Tuesday will be better. Right?

Music's making me feel better. Or more specifically, singing along with the music as loud as is possible while still being courteous to my neighbors. Lyrics to remember: If you're alone, it must be you who wants to be apart. This was possibly the biggest problem I had for a while. Always alone, but blaming other people. So I'm trying to get out more, talk to people, be friendly and personable and less distant and stoic and cold. It works most of the time. Some days I fall back again, but I will rise! DO YOU HEAR ME? I WILL RISE! Take that, me!

Should I really be making all these private rantings public? I guess I don't see the harm in it. Being secretive sure doesn't help me any. And if you don't like it, don't read, right? Y'all should see my journal from middle school... quite a little piece of insanity if I do say so myself.

Just as I was sitting in the meeting tonight, I had an idea for a story, but I didn't mention it to anyone. So now I'm gonna work on it and hopefully have something to bring in next week. So I better get to work on that. See ya later.

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