Friday, April 02, 2004

Isn't it too early in the day for angst?

Wow... I just spent more than an hour writing a posting that I can't put up, for the main reason that it has too great a potential for making people uncomfortable. So in lieu of that, here's a neat toy for anyone who already misses winter, and a few questions: How personal should I get on here? How far do I want to dig into my past to find explanations for how I act now? And how much of my private self-discovery and internal dialogue do I want to make public? I hear lots of people who complain about livejournals for the reason that people treat them like a private diary and write things that they would never want made public to their families (but somehow it's okay for strangers to read them?) and end up doing all sorts of crappy angsty writing. I do my fair share of that on here and I realize the people probably don't really care about the day to day minutae of my life (wake up, go to class, come back, whine, do homework, write crappy poetry, sleep, wash, rinse, repeat). Thing is... it does sort of help to open yourself up to anonymous people sometimes. There's lots of things about me that I don't think I should tell my family or friends, but I would have no problem letting strangers read them.

Here's another thing: I frequently wonder what people think of me. I worry that I irritate people, or that I come off as clingy and whiny, or condescending, or all those things that I hate in other people. I'm not sure whether I want an honest answer to this question, or whether the truth would just hurt too much. Self-doubt follows me like toilet paper on my shoe... sigh.

I do feel better now, tho. Hey, my computer works this weekend... maybe I'll reinstall a couple of games and play for a few hours. Or write for a while. Need to give the writers' group something to do, right? And... gotta finish Dune Messiah! I'm about halfway through now... it's very possible that I'll finish this weekend... this one seems to be going a lot faster. Good book, too, though at this point I don't think it's better than the first one. Alia, tho... she's awesome. I'm glad there's more about her in this one.

Okay, that's all for now. I'll probably get bored later and write yet another entry. Later.

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