Thursday, May 27, 2004

Another batch of ranting and raving. Advance apologies to everyone who reads this.

I'm trying to think deep thoughts. I really am. But every time I do I end up having to refer everything to my own messed-up little existence, and that's not helpful. I don't know why I bother if I can't be objective. Everything just has to relate to me personally or I can't think about it at all.

I'm feeling angsty.

I was looking at real estate on the internet with my mom this afternoon. She wants to move up to Grand Rapids or somewhere near there to be closer to her family. We found this nifty house made of three dome-roofed little "pods" all connect together. All the rooms inside are circular. I think that'd be the coolest place to live. It's big enough, and in their price range, too. I don't think they're really going to move this summer or anything, tho. Still, it's a cool house. Mom's also been talking about starting up a business, maybe a restaurant or a coffeeshop or something. Or a little resort like my grandparents had before I was born (both sets of grandparents... one in Grand Rapids, and one in Cass Lake). That'd be cool. My only concern is that they'd be living close enough to come visit me. Terrible, I tell ya.

My mom's worried about the fact that I'm not all that happy to be home. I know she understands how hard it is to move back in with one's parents, even if it's just for the summer. I'm used to running on my own schedule, doing what I want, not having to worry about what everyone else is doing... but now I'm home and every day, without fail, someone always has to make a comment about how late I wake up, how late I stay up, how much time I spend on the computer, how I eat, how I dress, what I do... etc. It's hasn't even been two weeks yet (yes, I'm still keeping count... 12 days today [Thursday]) and I'm already getting sort of edgy and snippy at people.

It doesn't help that my dad's so sick. The doctors aren't sure what's wrong with him, but he's in pain all the time. There's something wrong with the muscles and nerves in his legs and his back, and he keeps going to the doctor but they haven't been able to help him yet. He got the results back from his latest blood test and one of the things they test for is way too high (don't ask me which, I don't know much about it), which apparently means that he might possibly have a severe muscle disease of some sort, or barring that, that there's been some sort of trauma to the muscles. He's going in for another test tomorrow morning. In any case, the doctors haven't been able to tell him anything useful, and they haven't been able to make the pain go away, and he's extremely stressed and upset and now with these test results he's scared that he might end up wheelchair-bound. So he's tempermental now, gets angry really easily, and I understand why but it's still rough.

And Katie's still being Katie. Still stuck on the same boy, still driving me nuts because she knows exactly which buttons to push in order to piss me off, same as she does for everyone else. But then sometimes she's cool and we watch TV together (M.A.S.H. tonight, very fun) or talk or shop or go get dinner or something. Just a sister, I guess.

I can't watch the news anymore. It makes me sad. Damn politics, damn war, damn floods and tornadoes and death and pain and ravaged villages and fear and terrorism and murders and rapes and torture. Damn revenge. Damn the war on drugs. Damn the tobacco bans. Damn everyone who thinks that legislating morality and personal decisions is a good idea. Damn money. Damn gas prices.

Damn everything.

I'm not tired enough to go to sleep. I've spent nearly an hour writing this and I'm not even tired. I'm just now getting really riled up.

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