Monday, April 04, 2005

Inane insomniac

I couldn't sleep last night. At first, it was because I was reading Ender's Game and was too interested in it to put it down. After that, it was because 1) Ender's Game is a damned disturbing book and makes it hard to sleep, and 2) I started watching CNN and wanted to cry because of all the terrible things that happen in just one day around the world. So many people dying, so many people mourning, so many people in so much need. I wanted to ask God why.

But instead, at 4:30 AM, I grabbed my keys and my jacket and walked outside in my pajamas and fuzzy slippers, sat down at the picnic table on the back patio of the dorm, and just watched the stars for a few minutes. And suddenly, after a moment, I felt empty, like a plug had been pulled and everything had been drained out of me. I wasn't tired; I was just hollow.

So I went up to Grubbs' room. He was still awake. I sat down on his bed and he entertained me and gave me chocolate. Eventually we ended up watching a couple episodes of anime until I was tired enough to go and try to sleep again. That was just before 7.

I guess it only worries me because insomnia usually preceeds or accompanies some not-so-fun emotions for me. When I don't sleep enough, and especially when my normal sleep patterns are interrupted, I tend to get depressed. I'm not sure if it's a cause or just a symptom, but I try to avoid it anyway. And I know I'm not the only one who links one with the other.

Lately, I've been feeling a little bit of the darkness around the edges. Those little voices in my head nag at me because I'm too obnoxious, or too quiet, or not smart enough, or not nice enough, or just not good enough. The only cure I know for that right now it to surround myself with my friends. They push back the blackness, protect me so I don't get swallowed up.

I worry about myself at this time of year, because traditionally spring has always been the roughest on me emotionally. I don't really know why; it should be a time of joy, life returning to the world, but instead it almost feel like the world pushes me away during the spring, like I'm something not conducive to life or light or joy because while I have those things in me, I also have the darkness. I'm an emotional mutt, neither this nor that nor the other thing. I am impure and must be purged.

Tired. I am also tired. I'm not so much in a bad mood right now, or sad or anything. I'm just thinking a lot. I should go to bed. Tomorrow: chocolate for Grubbs, and classes. And work, and meeting... Mondays are too busy.

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