"A cat spends her life conflicted between a deep, passionate and profound desire for fish and an equally deep, passionate and profound desire to avoid getting wet. This is the defining metaphor of my life right now."
"I had my car's alignment checked. It's Chaotic Evil."
"If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbor's lawn at night with your church group, it's called "caroling." But if you're doing it alone with no pants on, it's called 'drunk and disorderly.'"
"My life has a superb cast, but I just can't figure out the plot."
"Never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes... because then, you're a mile away and you have his shoes."
"Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there!"
"STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work."