Sunday, July 31, 2005

All talk.

Today was wonderful. Wonderful wonderful. Gaming went well, as usual (my archenemy was well-tromped by me), we made excellent food, took a walk, I got a nice brief shoulder rub which seems to have somewhat dissipated the pain in my shoulder blades (they hurt yesterday and this morning for no readily apparent reason). I'm quite sad to see Rachel leaving so soon, and Seth going so soon afterwards. Bemidji will be a poorer place without them.

Something unusual and vaguely troublesome happened to me last night. Not even sure how to describe it except as some sort of mild anxiety attack that left me unable to stay still or calm myself no matter what I did. And the weirdest thing is that I can talk about it all detatched and clinical now, but when it was happening I had the feeling that it was never going to end.

To be honest, I've been kinda worried about myself lately. Mostly it stems from the inability to be by myself, but also partially from other things. Stuff I've noticed before. Self-destructive, I guess you might call it. Allow me to explain. There are certain things I know that I should not do/listen to/read/watch/whatever. Best example being: despite the fact that I love the song, I know I should not listen to the acoustic version of Placebo's "Teenage Angst" because it puts me into a mental Very Bad Place. Yet I decided to listen to it on Friday night before I went to bed. I thought it might be okay because I knew that I would be with my friends for the entire weekend, which almost always and immediately causes my problems to, if not disappear, then at least go missing during the time I spend with them. And it worked, until late into the evening when I all of a sudden could not sit still or stop my mind from racing, nor could I effectively verbalize what I was feeling to anyone else. I think there must have been some sort of secondary trigger there somewhere, but I'm not sure what or where it was.

Wow, look at that. All those big words I needed to stay something simple. I did something stupid, got depressed, hoped that my friends would be able to make it all better, which worked for a little while, but then something triggered it again and I got anxious and restless and could't figure out how to talk about it. And then I just started to feel bad about myself and guilty for inflicting my mood on everyone, a feeling that stayed with me until well into this afternoon.

I guess what I'm trying to get across here is that these sorts of things keep happening to me, to varying degrees. All of it tells me that something needs to change. And listening to a couple of my friends tell me about their kinds of depression yesterday makes me thing that I really need to get my health insurance changed up here so I can go and maybe possibly have my own problems taken care of. But that may still be a while, so until then I need to figure out ways of taking care of myself. Spending lots of time around friends, particularly ones who are supportive and understanding as well as happy, seems to help. But there again, I worry about being too needy or clingy or whatever and having people notice (even though on this blog I can say it straight out with no problem).

I'm very tempted not to post this at all, to keep it saved away or even to just delete it because I know that many of my friends read this and it's something I haven't really been able to discuss with most of them. Not exactly because I don't think that they'd understand... more because I feel like my talking about it somehow seems like I'm trying to diminish their problems. Maybe I worry too much about how people will think of me. I know that I can trust my friends not to be insulted by my telling them about my life.

Ya know, when I type that out and read it, it seems so absurd that I could possibly think that way. And I know this, and I still think it. I hate how my brain works.

I'm tired now, and my shoulders ache again. Think I'm going to go to bed. I'll think more about these things in the morning.

1 comment:

Froyd said...

you need to play some violent video games is what you need.