Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Where did everyone go?

Man... it feels like everyone I knew just disappeared off the face of the earth. No one's answering their phones or anything, everyone's cars are gone... Sigh... I hate being alone. When I'm alone, I think too much and start to get paranoid and weird. I'm crazily insecure sometimes, and some little tiny stupid part of my mind wonders if people just want to get rid of me or what. And yes, I know that's self-centered and untrue and everything, but would someone tell that to the little voice in my head that keeps telling me that I don't deserve to have friends? Cuz I'm getting tired of him and I really wish he'd go away.

And now comes the part where the smart, sane part of my brain questions whether I should even post this. I mean, it comes off like I'm crazy, or insecure, or at least a whiny little bitch. I try not to seem like any of those things (well, crazy, maybe... but only the GOOD kind of crazy). I feel like I've written this same thing a dozen times and I still can't change how I feel about it. So now what? Do I see a shrink to get my poor head sorted out? Do I just continue like I usually do and try not to think about it too much and spend all my time around people so I have some sort of psychic shield from my own thoughts? Do I isolate myself in order to face my fear and ultimately overcome it? (Bad idea, constant isolation is what got me into this position in the first place.) Do I ignore it and pretend it goes away?

God, what is wrong with me that I can't stand to spend more than an hour or two by myself? I want an answer. I've tried distracting myself with reading, television, the internet, video games, long walks down to the park... nothing seems to help. TV bores me, the internet gets tired after I've checked all the webcomics and my e-mail, video games are either repetitive or frustrating, and I can't concentrate long enough to read more than a chapter or two. Walking helps somewhat, but it also tends to remind me that I'm alone. I tried knitting and playing piano, but even those allow me too much time to think. Blogging is sort of helping, but this is all that I can think to write about.

Sick of my ranting yet? Good, you ought to be. I don't know what I'm going to do now. Probably wait until either a) my roommate comes home from work or b) other people call/IM/come over.

Here's my roommate now. Yay!

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