Thursday, October 20, 2005

Dear world,

I want to say NO.

I want to shout it from the rooftop, scream it down the street, howl from my car window driving 60 down a back road, NO!

I want to block, negate, quit, close the door, cross my arms, be stubborn. NO.

No, you are not a bad person. No, you don't deserve this guilt. No, they won't desert you just for a week of clingy crazyness. No, you don't have to go back down that road. No, you don't have to believe it when your mother says that there's nothing wrong with you, that it's all just PMS. No, you don't need to run away.

Even being with people I love isn't helping. I want to just shut myself up in my room and stay there and cry, skip classes, skip work, skip out on life. I don't know why I feel this way, but it's been getting worse and worse for the past three weeks. I have to FORCE myself, almost drag myself from my bed in the morning, not just because I'm tired, but because I want to continue to hide. If I stay in bed, under the covers, in the dim light of my room, I don't have to deal with anything. No homework, no parents, no money, no pressure, no scent of change on the wind.

I need to sleep. Something has to change. Something WILL change. I need to call my mother tomorrow.



Poet said...

I seriously know that feeling. If you want to talk, I'm listenable.

Sharon said...

Angel, I've been there.... many times. It's a normal part of being human, albeit a nasty part! I know this might not help, but take it from someone with years of experience. IT WILL PASS. And when it does pass, you will breathe a big sigh of relief, and wonder why you were so worried. I find the very best thing to do when one of those moods comes over me is to MOVE, walk, dance, jump, do laundry, whatever. The physical act of moving seems to outwit the brain into feeling better. Try it and let me know how you are doing.