Thursday, March 04, 2004

Insecurity rant

I am discontented today. I don't know anything. I don't know what I want in life, I don't know how to have friends, I don't know how to relate to people. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to write for my 19th Century Philosophy midterm. I don't know why I'm so tired. I don't know how I'm going to survive a whole week away from school, spending time with my family. I love them but I just don't know. I'm just sad right now for some dumb reason. I have no reason to be sad. Dad's probably getting a job, Katie just told me that on Saturday night we're going with a bunch of her friends to see RHPS. School is going pretty good. I went to play D&D last night and really had a lot of fun. But right now I just want to curl up in a hole and disappear for a week or so. Mostly I'm just looking forward to the week after break when everything starts up again.

I still don't know how to be a girl. As if I haven't already bashed this subject into the ground... I like hanging around guys. Guys make more sense to me. But I also have this urge to push the edges of feminism. I don't know why I do it. It seems like some sort of self-defeating thing, because I know that when I go all feminist on guys, it'll probably start pissing them off. And rightly so. So why do I do it?

Lately I've been getting lonely really easily. I never really noticed it before, but I do like having people around. I like just generally not being in my room, being able to go somewhere and talk to someone and have fun. But I end up feeling like I'm being pushy if I try to get too close to people. I feel like I'm imposing on people, being rude if I suggest that we go somewhere or do something. Why is that? I see other people doing those same things and it's okay for them, so why do I feel like it's verboten for me? I'm very insecure and sometimes clingy, and I know it. I just don't know how to help it.

I feel like I'm only now learning things that everyone else already knows and has known since they were very young. Like I'm still struggling to become a person. I spent so long in my dark cold shell that now I feel like I'll always be playing catch-up trying to have a social life. But at least now I'm trying. At least now I've got some little hope of being normal.

Wow... geez. I don't even know if I want to post this now. That's more "opening up" than I'm used to. But I'm going to do it anyway. I guess these are things that people need to know about me. But after they know, will they think differently about me? Do I want them to? I dunno. Here goes the posting button thing. I hope I don't regret it later.

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