So. I should get a real job this summer. Cuz I'm sick of feeling guilty for being a burden on my parents, even though I work hard here and have on-campus jobs and get good grades and do amazing stuff like be part of the editing board of the Rivers Meeting Project. I'm sick of calling home and having my mom talk to me about how much my loans are costing her and then having her tell me that it's okay and she's still proud of me but geez, that's a lot of money. I think she does the guilt thing without even thinking about it most of the time. Mostly I'm tired of owing her things, having to be the good daughter and take care of the animals and stuff like that whenever she calls because it's my duty or whatever, regardless of whatever plans I want to make or whatever I want to be doing. I want to make myself utterly unavailable. I want to be living my life and not constantly having to check with other people to make sure that what I'm doing is okay.
The only reason it frustrates me so much is that I can't seem to fix things and make it all right.
But I'm burned out now. I've got one paper to write this weekend, and then no more major work until classes start in the summer, which means that I'm going to go and start applying for jobs wherever I can think of that I'd want to work. I have to make this work. I have to because it's the only thing I see making me happy: going to school, making something of myself, working until I drop because it drives away all the time I could be spending agonizing over things I can't fix.
That's it. No more calling my mom for a while.
Why the hell can't I just enjoy my goddamn victories?
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