Is it a bad sign when looking at the website for my former college and major is almost enough to send me into a minor panic attack?
I realized today that I'd forgotten the last name of a guy I was very close to in New Mexico. So I was going through the list of current students at the college to see if I could find it, which I did. But the whole process has had the effect of making me very sad and sort of lonely, which is ridiculous because I know it's just a memory of how I felt back then. I know that I've got a ton of good, close, wonderful friends right now and that I never need to feel like I'm alone. Logic and emotion never go well together, sadly. I want to write this paper, but it's bringing back a lot of hurt.
It doesn't help that right now I'm experiencing an echo of what I felt when I left New Mexico; namely, I'm terrified that I'll never do anything with my life, that I won't be able to get a job or get my masters or even graduate (tho I know that last one is absurd because I'm doing damn well in school). What the hell am I going to do with a degree in writing? Am I even good enough to make a living doing that? Could I ever teach college? Do I even WANT to teach college? Am I just wasting my time and money training in a field that will be useless to me someday? I know I've got a little bit of talent, sure, but what good is it? Am I just going to end up working as a waitress for the rest of my life and always TALKING about the book I plan to write but never having the time or energy (or inspiration) to write it? Am I destined to be a failure?
What am I going to do about grad school? Do I even have time to apply, or put together a portfolio, or study for and take the GRE, or any of the things I need to do? Man... I'm lost here. Completely, utterly lost and scared. How the hell do other people do it? How do they manage to get everything in their lives going the right way at the right time so that they can become successful? Cuz I can't ever see myself being able to do that.
Is all this thinking just self-destructive?