Wednesday, October 12, 2005

A million questions, no answers.

Is it a bad sign when looking at the website for my former college and major is almost enough to send me into a minor panic attack?

I realized today that I'd forgotten the last name of a guy I was very close to in New Mexico. So I was going through the list of current students at the college to see if I could find it, which I did. But the whole process has had the effect of making me very sad and sort of lonely, which is ridiculous because I know it's just a memory of how I felt back then. I know that I've got a ton of good, close, wonderful friends right now and that I never need to feel like I'm alone. Logic and emotion never go well together, sadly. I want to write this paper, but it's bringing back a lot of hurt.

It doesn't help that right now I'm experiencing an echo of what I felt when I left New Mexico; namely, I'm terrified that I'll never do anything with my life, that I won't be able to get a job or get my masters or even graduate (tho I know that last one is absurd because I'm doing damn well in school). What the hell am I going to do with a degree in writing? Am I even good enough to make a living doing that? Could I ever teach college? Do I even WANT to teach college? Am I just wasting my time and money training in a field that will be useless to me someday? I know I've got a little bit of talent, sure, but what good is it? Am I just going to end up working as a waitress for the rest of my life and always TALKING about the book I plan to write but never having the time or energy (or inspiration) to write it? Am I destined to be a failure?

What am I going to do about grad school? Do I even have time to apply, or put together a portfolio, or study for and take the GRE, or any of the things I need to do? Man... I'm lost here. Completely, utterly lost and scared. How the hell do other people do it? How do they manage to get everything in their lives going the right way at the right time so that they can become successful? Cuz I can't ever see myself being able to do that.

Is all this thinking just self-destructive?

5 comments:

Sharon said...

Angel, Relax!!!! You have a great head on your shoulders, are a hard worker, a good student, and have TONS of potential! What you are going through right now is perfectly normal. It means you care, you are connected, you want to achieve something. With your abilities and caring attitude, you WILL achieve something special! The wondering and worrying are a normal part of growing up. Believe me, I've been there!!!

Amber said...

You wonder how they did it while you are lost?

Don't ever believe that they didn't have these self destructive thoughts, either. Anyone with a Ph.D. has had second thoughts, or thought that they couldn't possibly do it. Still, they did it. Everyone will question themselves in circles up until the point they reach their seemingly unattainable goal because humans are not infallible. Every human in the history of the world doubted themselves severely when undertaking a huge effort to reach a desired goal. You can not expect to be the only one to go through this process, nor will you be the last. In short, you are unique like everyone else - not perfect.

Oh, and you'll have episodic worry sessions until you graduate and get a job. Yes, you'll get a job.

...Just do not expect the worrying to end there. ;)

Alicia said...

Ok, honey, you know this is coming from someone who was right where you are just last year, and trust me completely when I say this: There is so much work out there for talented young writers/editors, it's kind of overwhelming. You just have to be willing to move, which sucks, I know, but in the end, when you're making enough money that you can fly home once-in-a-while, and you're stable, all this worrying will be at an end. And it is okay to freak out everynow and then like Amber said. Just don't make a habit of it, and if you're having a hard time sleeping one night because you're pondering all this and you're freaking out, call me. I'll make it all better, and I'll make you laugh. :)

Froyd said...

those questions: Normal.
that thinking: I'd be worried about you if you WEREN'T thinking that way.
Everyone else who SUPPOSEDLY has their lives in order are very good at lying. Also very good at covering up the vast amount of work needed to PUT those lives in order.

Don't worry buddy, you'll pull through.

Angel said...

Thanks, guys. Sometimes it's kind of hard to keep everything in perspective, especially with all this stuff I've got to think about. I appreciate all the words of wisdom. :)