Sunday, November 06, 2005

Missing pieces

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog,
Where no one notices the contrast of white-on-white...


I did that last night, 2 a.m. when the whole world seems silent, asleep, waiting. The fog curtained off either end of the street, turned amber-gold by the streetlights. The air was so still that the fog literally swirled as I walked past, spinning in little eddies next to me. I breathed in the chill and the damp and gazed down the road, alone in the misty dark.

*****

There's something to be said for being alone, I guess... but right now, I'm having a hard time. I'm sad... or perhaps not sad, but melancholy... similar, but with a slight difference. I feel better when I'm with people, but I can't stay with them forever. I have to go home sometime, back to my dark house that may be with or without roommates, back to the room that feels at once like home and not like home. I don't know where I belong right now. I want so badly to be close to people and I don't even know how to accomplish that. I want people to understand me, and I know it won't happen until I understand myself, and I don't. I don't know how I can go from being fine one minute and so down the next.

I want someone to care about me as much as I care about them. I want very much to be loved. I don't know if I could ever stand to be alone again. I need to find one person--just one--who will stay with me, be with me no matter what, forever. I need someone as loyal as I am. Basically, I need a boyfriend... but more than that, I eventually need a soulmate. And right now, everything inside is so confused that I don't know if I've found one, or if I still need to keep looking, or if there even IS such a thing.

No, that's a lie. If there's one thing I believe in whole-heartedly, it's soulmates. I believe for every person, there exists someone who completes them spiritually, like pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly together. There has to be, because I know personally that there are gaps in me, places where I need someone else to fill in the spaces. No one person can be everything... but two people... they can be just about enough for each other.

1 comment:

Amber said...

Man, I hope you get out of that up/down thing, but you know what? It won't happen because that is the way it is.

@#$&*!#$ human condition.

Anyways, I have to contend that there are no soulmates. If you believe in them and meet another person that does, you construct the personal relational subculture between the two of you that such a thing does indeed exist. Once created, you pointedly notice how they fill those 'gaps' (lack of emotional satisfaction driven by hormones that are innately human. See cursing above.) In turn, you fill the needs they can't fill individually. This is the need for companionship, preservation of humanity, yadda, yadda... in short, it's all one cyclic dance that we keep performing as a species to ensure survival.

If you don't believe in soulmates (as I do), then you see it differently. We're here because somebody ultimately did not want to go extinct - all in-between moments aside.

It sucks having to go through the ups and downs, but at least you do not see it all in a bare-bones light yet. I do, and I've resigned myself to those pragmatics.

Over and out.