Monday, January 23, 2006

It's always raining in my head

I'm having a bad day. Nothing in particular has happened. But I am feeling really really shitty and depressed right now and have been since I woke up. I've got two more hours of work, plus a meeting tonight, and I'm just hoping I can get through it all without... I dunno. Breaking down or something. Crying into my keyboard at work? Yeah, because that's a wonderful idea. I feel like I haven't slept in days, and yet I've gotten more sleep than usual lately because I can't stand getting out of bed in the morning. I feel like there's a big, cold black hole inside of me, slowly eating away at everything and leaving me empty. It's only been a couple of days, maybe since Thursday or Friday that I've been feeling this way, but it seems like forever.

I'm scared that the pills are going to stop working. I'm scared that I'm going to screw something up and fail my classes. I'm frustrated and tired and scared and inside, despite all the people around me, I feel alone a lot of the time. Yet there's only one person I can stand being with and talking to about all of this, and when I'm around him, he can push all the bad stuff away just by smiling. I wish I could do the same for him. Maybe because if I can help him, I can figure out how to help myself.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm not completely a lost cause.

6 comments:

Poet said...
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Poet said...

Heya, Angel. I've been tempted to comment on your blog for the past couple of entries but I've been hesitant to do so. See...I know how you're feeling. The problem is that people don't often want to hear that because it's not really true. No one knows what it's like to go through our own hells and to carry the burdens we carry or to face the challenges that we face. No one can possibly know how these things affect us and what it's like. They may understand categorically, but they can't understand personally. And I know from my experience that people saying, "I know how you feel"...it's pissed me off more than anything because they can't know.

I guess what I'm trying to say (and awkwardly I think) that although I can't know and others can't know exactly what you're going through, if you need someone who's...been in the same "country" as you're in now, I'd love to listen.

Sharon said...

I've felt 'down' lately too. Then I heard on the news tonight that this is the most depressing time of the year...Nice...just what I needed to hear! Usually, when I get to class I'm OK, being around young people, and it was OK for that hour. But on the way home I just wanted to cry, and that's the way it's been for me, too. Don't know what to tell you except I hope you feel better soon...sending you a big hug {{{{{Angel}}}}}

L.P. said...

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who had to dump his girlfriend?

garden_fairy said...

Hey :)
Sorry to hear that you are feeling down. Life has it's viscious cycles and this wont last forever. If you ever need anyone to talk to know that I am always here to listen...anytime. Do something you love to do, or that you haven't done in a long time, to put a smile on your face. Whatever you do don't let this lead to scurvy...please. Hugs to you, see you 'round soon. El3 <--Hey, look I made a buttefly...hehe!

Angel said...

Thanks, guys. All the support really does help a lot. :) I'm feeling a little better now, after a long night of sorting and sifting and crying and just managing to get everything out.