I can't sleep.
I got a phone call tonight that shook up my world to a substantial degree. A minor family crisis (no one died, but I can't talk about it right now) means that I'll be going home this weekend after all, and that things are gonna be really weird with my immediate family for a while. I didn't see it coming; no one saw it coming.
And for the first time in a long while, I can clearly see the path in front of me. I am more determined than ever to work hard, earn enough money to mostly support myself while I'm in college, graduate at the end of this year, get a job, and get the hell out of this town. Don't get me wrong, I love Bemidji and I love the friends I've made here. But I need to leave.
Leaving scares me. I don't know if I can do it alone. There is one person in particular that I don't think I could leave without some serious heartache. If I've got him, I've got the world. But that's just so unlikely. It hurts.
I've got two desires. First, I desire self-sufficiency. I don't want to depend on other people. I want to have a job where I make enough money to comfortably support myself--I never want to depend on anyone else for money, food, or shelter again.
Second, I want to love and be loved. At the moment, I've got one person in particular in mind, but on the whole all I really long for is for someone who really cares about me, who loves me and understands me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I want my "happily ever after," if such a thing exists. If not, I at least want my "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, so long as we both shall live." I want a man who will stay by me, hold me up when I can't stand, and expect the same from me--my soulmate, my better half, my love.
I am tired. I hope that getting this all out on paper will give me the peace of mind I need in order to get a little rest. I will try again, and maybe in dreams, some answers may come.