Thursday, September 07, 2006

Insomnia strikes another blow, or Love me, someone!

I can't sleep.

I got a phone call tonight that shook up my world to a substantial degree. A minor family crisis (no one died, but I can't talk about it right now) means that I'll be going home this weekend after all, and that things are gonna be really weird with my immediate family for a while. I didn't see it coming; no one saw it coming.

And for the first time in a long while, I can clearly see the path in front of me. I am more determined than ever to work hard, earn enough money to mostly support myself while I'm in college, graduate at the end of this year, get a job, and get the hell out of this town. Don't get me wrong, I love Bemidji and I love the friends I've made here. But I need to leave.

Leaving scares me. I don't know if I can do it alone. There is one person in particular that I don't think I could leave without some serious heartache. If I've got him, I've got the world. But that's just so unlikely. It hurts.

I've got two desires. First, I desire self-sufficiency. I don't want to depend on other people. I want to have a job where I make enough money to comfortably support myself--I never want to depend on anyone else for money, food, or shelter again.

Second, I want to love and be loved. At the moment, I've got one person in particular in mind, but on the whole all I really long for is for someone who really cares about me, who loves me and understands me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I want my "happily ever after," if such a thing exists. If not, I at least want my "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, so long as we both shall live." I want a man who will stay by me, hold me up when I can't stand, and expect the same from me--my soulmate, my better half, my love.

I am tired. I hope that getting this all out on paper will give me the peace of mind I need in order to get a little rest. I will try again, and maybe in dreams, some answers may come.

1 comment:

Sharon said...

As someone who has 'survived' several personal tragedies, my heart goes out to you...
You are an intelligent, hard-working, strong young woman. You will survive this.
Keep your goals, work for them, and know that you will be even stronger for the struggle you go through.
If you need to talk, let me know. I can come early Tuesday or stay after class if you need a shoulder!