Sunday, February 29, 2004

After all these years...

So I picked up The Dharma Bums tonight and I'm surprised because for the first time I can really READ it. I've been through it twice and never really known the book like I should have. All of Kerouac's words and sentences and such strung together and I couldn't really untangle the knot and make sense of it until now. Now I read the conversations between Ray and Japhy and I can hear them in my head. It's not just some dumb esoteric poetry bullshit, it's real language, a real conversation, and it took me nearly six years (if I remember correctly) to realize it.

It's magic, I swear to God. Anyone who hasn't, read something by Kerouac. Read The Dharma Bums because it's better than On the Road in my opinion. Now I'm thinking I should read all the books over again because maybe this time I'll glean something more from them. I'm in love all over again and it feels marvelous.

Okay, one more test thingie... and then a real post.

Horizon
'Now..Bring me that horizon.'- You've gotten what
you wanted, but you still seem a bit
melancholy. Maybe what you really want is for
things to just keep changing.


Which of Captain Jack Sparrow's Quotes are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Best thing about this? That's my favorite quote from the whole movie! Found this test and the last one on Erin's blog, by the way. Must give credit where credit is due.

So I've been studying all day today... wait, hold on, that's not true... so I've been studying for a couple hours this afternoon (that's true) and now I'm really tired of reading poetry out loud to myself in order to fully grasp the meanings. I read Wordsworth's "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" and let me tell you, that's a bloody long poem. But so fun to read out loud, especially if you do voices for the characters. Hard part about that is, most of it is in the Mariner's voice, which is raspy and low and hard to do if you're a girl.

I took a walk earlier. It's raining and cold, and I still decided that I wanted to go outside and wander around campus for half an hour. This, of course, means that I will get the nastiest cold known to man and be miserable while I'm trying to take my midterms. But it was fun. :) People sorta look at you funny if you voluntarily go out in this sort of weather, but that's okay. The only problem was, the cuffs of my pants got absolutely soaked from splashing around in all of the puddles. Heh heh, I feel like I'm about three years old.

I shoulda taken a nap. If I try to take one now, I know damned well that I won't be able to sleep later tonight. Which might not be a bad thing, considering the fact that I may be out late anyway, but still. Like I said, I'm three years old today, no responsibility, no rationality, just plain ol' fun.

Called my mum today too. I'm thinking about taking a self-guided class this summer because I'm still a little behind with credits and such. The one I want to register for is "Death and Survival", which is a philosophy course. As I may have mentioned previously, I'm looking at a philosophy minor, and this class would fit into that perfectly. I'm also trying to decide where I'd like to work this summer. I'm hoping for a full-time job, somewhere that pays fairly well so I don't need to take out much more in loans to pay for my education. I wish the government would do better with the whole student aid thing. It's too expensive to go to college any more. I can't even believe that I can manage to afford it.

No blackouts today. That's a plus. It's good to be able to see where you're going.

That's all I can pull out of my poetry-wearied brain. And still more work to do... sigh. Wish me luck!

I am a dragon?

dra
You are Form 5, Dragon: The Weaver.

"And The Dragon seperated the virtuous from
the sinful. He tore his eyes from his sockets
and used them to peer into the souls of those
on trial to make a judgement. He knew that
with endless knowledge came endless
responsibility."


Some examples of the Dragon Form are Athena
(Greek), St. Peter (Christian), and Surya
(Indian).
The Dragon is associated with the concept of
intelligence, the number 5, and the element of
wood.
His sign is the crescent moon.

As a member of Form 5, you are an intelligent and
wise individual. You weigh options by looking
at how logical they are and you know that while
there may not always be a right or wrong
choice, there is always a logical one. People
may say you are too indecisive, but it's only
because you want to do what's right. Dragons
are the best friends to have because they're
willing to learn.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


How... complimentary.

I hate boys sometimes.

First words out of my mouth this morning? "Stupid goddamn fucking males." Explanation: I get up, put on slippers and my glasses, walk out into the hallway, and the first thing I see is a drawing of a big penis on the wall next to my door (covering the ENTIRE wall from one door to the other) and the words "Suck This!" written above it. I hope this isn't gonna set the tone for the rest of the day.

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Question: How are college students like mushrooms?

Heh heh heh... nice day. We had a power outage around 3:30 or 4, for about an hour. Thankfully, it was a nice day out. I went and took a walk around campus (turns out the whole town was out of power), met up with a guy I know and one of his friends, talked to them for a while while they stood around and smoked, headed back to my dorm, and was just about to go upstairs when I saw Erin coming towards the building. So I went out to meet her and then followed her back to her room where we sat and talked to her neighbors for another hour, during which the power came back on. Then I finally went up to my room, sat and watched TV for a while... the power cut out again for a couple minutes, but just as I was going downstairs again with my flashlight (apparently neither of Erin's neighbors can fend for themselves without electricity), it came back on... and here I am. I'm pretty much doubting that I'm going out anywhere tonight, but I may end up watching a movie downstairs, if the two boys aren't being pesky. I dunno.

I don't feel like doing much. Maybe reading. I got through the first 100 pages of Dune last night. I was gonna read more today, but I'm lazy. Slept till 9:30. Woke up and played on my computer for an hour before I even went to take a shower and get dressed. See? Lazy. And I've got homework... yech. There's a midterm in English Lit on Monday and Wednesday that I should study for. And a take-home test for 19th Century Philosophy that I should look at because it's due on Friday. And poetry stuff to do, both journals and preparing four poems to be handed in for Tuesday's midterm project. I guess I shouldn't worry. It won't take that long.

Wow... I'm just sleepy. Shoulda had a nap or something. Weird, cuz I slept long and well last night and I haven't really been busy. I'm gonna go work on something now. Bye!

P.S.: Answer (in case you didn't get the joke): They keep us in the dark and feed us shit!

Shhhhh.....

Y'know all those personality tests people put up so you can see what breed of dog or shoe or whatever you are? Yeah, well... I have a secret. I'm addicted to the damn things. I haven't ever done anything with the results, tho... Till now.

you are seagreen
#2E8B57

Your dominant hues are cyan and green. Although you definately strive to be logical you care about people and know there's a time and place for thinking emotionally. Your head rules most things but your heart rules others, and getting them to meet in the middle takes a lot of your energy some days.

Your saturation level is higher than average - You know what you want, but sometimes know not to tell everyone. You value accomplishments and know you can get the job done, so don't be afraid to run out and make things happen.

Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.
the spacefem.com html color quiz


So my secret's out. I'm just waiting for either the men in white jackets or the townsfolk with torches. Don't know which ones will get here first.

Friday, February 27, 2004

Friday is good.

I'm finally getting one of the loads of laundry done that I was gonna do last weekend. I guess whoever decided to do their laundry today didn't have enough to fill all the machines. Thank God.

I think this'll be a good weekend. I've got tentative plans for Saturday, and I've got a book to read and plenty of interesting work to do to keep me busy for a while. So hopefully I'll keep the angsty soul-searching to a minimum. I think the hormones are finally wearing down a bit. I'm feeling normal. Balanced. Balanced is good. I read somewhere that having really good, wonderful, happy things happen to you is just as stressful on your body and mind as a terrible crisis is. So in reality, stoicism is pretty much the way to go.

I can see into the windows of the house across the street. They're too far away for me to see if there's anything happening inside, tho. Every once in a while I have the urge to get out my binoculars and spy on people. Nothing malicious behind it, I just think whatever they're doing might make a good story.

That's all for now. I'm gonna go toss my laundry in the dryer. Bye.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Heaving a great emotional sigh

Well, I finished my book. Another piece of literature I could describe as intense. Lacking whiskey, I have decided to soothe my frayed emotions with some fancy green tea with lemongrass and spearmint. Lovely stuff. Great book. I don't know what I'm going to read next, tho. Maybe Dune. If I can finish it in two weeks, because when I come back after break I'm bringing a couple of Vonnegut novels that I haven't read since way back when. Like... four years ago? That's the trouble with being so young. I don't have much of a "good old times" era yet.

You'd think that living with girls wouldn't be much of a problem in the scent department. After all... don't girls always smell good? I mean, they wear all sorts of deoderants and perfumes and such, their shampoos and soaps smell good too. But there is a dark side. Nail polish and remover, ammonia hair dye, and the various skin-searingly toxic zit medications, to be precise. These are what my hallway smells of tonight. All the trouble some people go through to be beautiful, and here I am, not even wearing makeup half the time. Am I deficient as a girl? I think going to New Mexico Tech last year--where the population was around 80% male--skewed my perception of girlhood. All my friends were guys, so I acted more or less like a guy. I still think I do, but to a lesser extent. A lot of the people I know and talk to up here are guys, too. And if you're wondering, this was a subject that was well-covered in the book I was reading, so that's why I seem to be so focused on it this week. Sorry, if I've gotta live in my head, so do you. :-p

Damn good tea. Damn good book. I've got to get a fax sheet done so I can send it tomorrow. After that, I'm gonna go and sleep the sleep of the righteous. And start a new book tomorrow. I think it'll be Dune, for the third time, if I can actually force myself to finish it this time. The last time I got through about the second chapter and gave up. So wish me luck. Nite!

Something for Erin

Joy Harjo's Web Log

Just thought you should know. Found it while I was looking for her poems.

For everyone else: Joy Harjo is an awesome poet, best when you watch her actually read her poems. It's... intense.

Cereal for dinner?

I feel like a college student tonight. I've got my bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and my Beatles CD playing (Hello, Goodbye is on now). Later, I will have a mug of tea or something. I'm still reading Cat's Eye. Nearly done now, less than 100 pages from the end. I love this book. It's a new favorite. I keep finding wonderful lines to underline in pencil or make note of in the margins.

I'm going back to it now. Might post more later. Adieu.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Hey. Can't think of a title.

Here's a pretty interesting article on religion and it's effect on American politics. This is the sort of thing I think about a lot. I may say that I really really hate politics, but nevertheless, it plays a very important part in my life as a thinking person. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that religion affects our government so much. I mean, America was pretty much built by people who favored Christianity, and specifically, their own form of Christianity. If you think that the Pilgrims were truly for religious freedom, take a closer look. They wanted freedom to practice THEIR OWN RELIGION, not for people to practice any other religion. Read about the Mormons. The Puritains kicked them out of the east coast because they didn't worship God in the same way. If that's what our country was founded on, is it any surprise that it continues today?

I'm not condoning this, by the way. Just stating facts. It's Ash Wednesday today, and as I am a Catholic, I should be going to church. But I'm not.

So... Another good day. I was a little miserable this morning, but after my second class, I got to sit down and talk to a couple guys and I felt better. We're not doing D&D this week cuz one of the crucial players is gonna be out of town, which makes me sorta sad. But, on the upside, I was invited to join a second game, which will probably begin this weekend. It's not D&D, but being more or less uneducated about such things, I don't really know which system it is. But I know the people playing, and at least one of them is as clueless as I am, so it won't be so uncomfortable to know so little.

Got some work to do tonight. Write another poem, and prepare for my little grammar presentation thingie for Intermediate Writing. I got the notes and the questions printed out already, so all I have to do is check things over, make sure I have the answers for the questions, and go stand in front of the class for five minutes and talk. Easy, right?

More CCR today. God I love them. The song "Lodi" just has me by the throat. I have a feeling that I've been there before... Might have even passed through there a couple years ago en route from New Mexico to Los Angeles. Or if not, I feel like I have. I know places like Lodi.

I had the thought during Rumi class that I am a very reluctant leader. I don't like being in charge, but if I have to be, I can do it and do it well.

Time for me to go back from whence I came: Mired in the pit of homework. Mired... I love that word. Anyway... Peace out.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Holy Fucking Shit!

Ummm... wow. Apparently, some of the dudes at NASA thought for a while that we had a pretty good chance of being hit by an asteroid last month... for a while. A 1-in-4 chance, actually. Scary as hell. But then they realized that their calculations were off enough that it wasn't a danger anymore. Still, very scary. They were apparently on the verge of making a call to the President. I'm trying to imagine how that would have gone.

"The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must go and tell the King!"
**beep beep beep...**
**hushed whisper** "I thought I told you never to call me here!"
"But Mr. President, sir, there's an asteroid that's got a 1-in-4 chance of hitting the earth!"
"What are you telling me for? Just shoot it down."
"Shoot it down, sir?"
"Yeah, with those little lazer-shooting spaceships. Like in the game, you know."
"Sir... those aren't real."
"WHAT?"
"We can't shoot it down, sir."
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT! CALL THE PRESS! CALL JERRY FALWELL! CALL THE POPE! CALL CHENEY!" **collapses into a jittery ball of humanity under his desk**

Well, it's funny in my head, anyway.

I am woman! Hear me type!

I love Creedence Clearwater. I just do. More music that makes me feel just wonderful. I had Proud Mary going through my head all day. It's been a good one so far. Talked to Matt today and it sounds like we're gonna be doing D&D on Thursday this week, if he can get it all together. Should be fun, and I'm glad he changed the day again cuz I'll have work to do for Thursday classes, and it'd be sort of a pain to get it all done tonight. I've got Rumi to do as it is. That's quite enough for anyone. Also... I should work on my grammar point presentation for Intermediate Writing. And maybe even get a start on the project for that class, too... I'm going to write a three-part story based on traveling through the west and southwest, focusing on the "feel" of all the different places, e.g. how Kansas has a different sort of aura than New Mexico or California or Idaho or Wyoming. It's gonna be sort of based in truth, but I'll take some liberties with my memories. I'm getting sort of anxious to get some work done on it. We won't have class for the next two weeks, so I need to get a good start on it.

Question: Am I the only girl alive who hates talking on the phone? Cuz I do. It's not so much of a problem when I'm talking with family or close friends, but I don't like talking to strangers or, worse, leaving messages on answering machines and voice mail.

Which leads me to: Last night when Erin and I were leaving writer's group, one of the guys called back to us, "See you later, girls." Now... I was thinking about this. I wasn't too offended by being called a girl. I knew that he was just being friendly. But then I thought about a couple of super-feminist types I know and how they'd probably really take exception to being called a girl when they're almost twenty years old. I always sort of thought of myself as the feminist type, but I think it's pretty dumb to be offended by that sort of harmless comment. Another case: Last week, one of my male friends called me "honey". It was funny and I laughed at him, then later realized that that could be taken as offensive. So here's a question for you: do feminists have any male friends, and if so, do they make an issue of these sorts of things in friendly conversation? And if they do make it an issue, how in the hell do they manage to keep these friends? If I were a guy, I'd get pretty pissed off if a girl made it an issue when I thought I was just making a funny little comment. I mean, I grumble about guys with my friends, even if they guys in question are listening (I'm usually joking, of course). They don't take offense. At least... I don't think they do... do they?

Wow... lotsa thinking for this afternoon. I think I'm out of steam for now. I'll take a lil nap and come back later, maybe.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Mmm... Jack Sparrow....

Johnny Depp won for Best Actor in the Screen Actors Guild awards tonight. As mentioned by Erin in her blog (check the comments), he is... mmm... yeah. I don't have the same feeling for Brad Pitt, tho. For me, he's just a pretty face with nothin going on behind it. But Johnny... oh yeah... dark and handsome... Sigh.. okay, moment of drooling over.

In a somehow slightly related topic, I just got back from Writer's Group tonight. It was fun and now I'm... frustrated, actually. Hmph. For reasons other than the stories we talked about, which were extremely awesome. I'm beginning to feel like I just don't measure up, but still I keep trying. Some day...

Enough of that, then. I refuse to sink into the self-indulgent mire that is girltalk. So.... uh... that leaves... the weather. Yes. The weather is good. It's warm out. Snow is sorta melting and puddling and making things icky for walking through, but I do it anyway because I'm so happy to get outdoors. It won't last. We'll have at least a couple more good solid freezes before the end of the winter. And more snow. Lots more snow.

I've got nothing to say for tonight. I'll have to fake my way through some poetry journal shit and just call it good. So... there you go. That's my life. G'night.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

There's just one thing I've gotta know...

Was the title of this article deliberate? I nearly choked from laughing when I read it the first time.

In other news... I'm reading a marvelous book by Margaret Atwood. It's called Cat's Eye. I'm about halfway through with it, and I'm just in love. In some ways I can really identify with the main character, but in other ways it's just a good read with no personal attachments. One thing I'm sure of, tho: Margaret Atwood is one of the best writers ever. I read The Handmaid's Tale last year for the first time, and I was enthralled with that book, too.

I feel good right now, but I'm tired. If circumstances allow, I'm going to take a shower and go to bed early, the better to wake up and go to all my classes tomorrow. I feel better than I thought I would, but I'm ready to go back to class tomorrow. **brief moment of dark memory and soul-searching removed for the reader's comfort**

Neighbors are being quiet now, so here's my chance to get to bed before they can keep me awake all night. Bye!

Okay... now I'm pissed.

Someone should make a rule that you can only use, at most, two laundry machines at the same time. I was gonna try and get all my laundry done today. The way I usually do it is, I use one washer and one dryer at a time. That way, other people can use the machines as well. It was all good, I put in a load of black clothes and came up here to have lunch. When I went back down half an hour later, (no more than possibly three minutes after my washer had stopped) someone had already pulled all my clothes out of the one washer I was using, set them on top of the dryer, and was proceeding to fill EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN MACHINE with their laundry. I'd brought down a second load to wash, too. Man, that pisses me off. Have some consideration for others, people! I do, at most, two loads of laundry a week, and one if I can get away with it. Here's another idea: Stop changing clothes every time you leave the room! You spend less money on laundry that way. God.... grr... and I just know that when I go down to get my laundry out of the dryer, these people (it was a couple, boyfriend/girlfriend thing) will not have come back to get their shit out of the washing machines and into the dryers, so there STILL won't be a machine open.... ARGH!

Saturday, February 21, 2004

RHPS Lives!

The Rocky Horror Picture Show is on Bravo tonight! Yay! Haven't seen the movie since October, and that was in the Twin Cites with a shadow cast. Best musical movie thing ever!

AAAAAAAAH! The light!!! It's driving me mad!

I'm pretty sure that fluorescent lighting messes with your head. I think it causes depression, or at least some sort of mild neurosis or something. That's why I've been in such a crappy mood lately. Yesterday night and today, I've avoided turning on my overhead light and instead used my (incandescent) lamps and my yummy lemon-scented candle. It's done wonders for my mood. I am no longer a menace to society... heh heh...

Cleaned the room today. It looks much better. Most of the piles of stuff are gone from my counter, my floor is vacuumed, and I changed the sheets on my bed. Very productive day, if I do say so myself. And I do. I also spent some time working on editing the story I brought in for writers' group. I'm not completely done yet, but I fixed all the grammatical/punctuational/small logical errors that were mentioned. Now I've gotta go back and actually rework the ending. We'll see how it goes. I haven't had any brilliant flash of insight yet, but I know it's coming.

Well... whaddya know... there's an article on the topic of fluorescent lights and depression. Okay... this one takes place in a prison... but still. I believe it wholeheartedly. Seasonal Affective Disorder is an interesting topic for those of us who live in the frozen north. I'm thankful to have a window that faces the lake so I can at least have some natural sunlight. I feel bad for the people whose windows face other buildings instead, or worse, the sidewalks on the first floor. In those cases you don't really want to have your shades open cuz people will be peering in on you a lot. Of course... if I move next year, I'll probably end up with a room that doesn't have such a nice view... oh, well.

Yay! There's a new Fragment up! I'll have to work on it either tonight or tomorrow. I guess doing it every other week isn't too bad. It's a great writing exercise.

Okay, time for a sandwich now. Then, time to get some other things done. Like writing. Au revoir!

Friday, February 20, 2004

Quick note:

Please excuse the poor sentence structure/spelling/grammatical errors in the last post. I can't seem to form proper sentences tonight. Blame it on the mild migrane.

I'm feeling better now. Time to go to sleep.

It's been the worst day since yesterday

I never really thought about that lyric before... it's been the worst day since yesterday. At first it sounds like a bad thing, but if you think about it, it's saying that today is a better day than the one before. Hum.

And for me, it's true. I've had a rough couple of days, but today has been better than yesterday. I'm feeling a little better, and I got a nice, LOOOOOONG nap in. Like, 3 hours. I was tired cuz of the stupid people who live next to me and their stupid boyfriends and friends who run and pound on all the doors and yell at three in the morning, or play their music with the bass up at 1 AM when I'm trying to fall asleep. Grrr... Gotta go find my whacking stick.....

Called my mom yesterday when i was feeling so shitty. She was no help at all. Dad wasn't around. Katie didn't want to talk. Erin's gone for the weekend. I'm sorta lonely right now. I hate weekends, except for the fact that I get to sleep. The waking moments more or less suck. I need to find some reason to get out of my room this weekend and go do something around people. Hopefully, people who don't annoy the fuck out of me. I'm not antisocial... I just don't like some people: the annoying ones, the whiny ones, and the ones that giggle. Giggling is just wrong. Not that I don't do it sometimes myself, but I try not to make a practice out of it.

I need to do some writing tonight and this weekend. Private journaling, maybe? Or just take some of the things I've been thinking and turn them into a story. Stuff I'd rather not write on here, anyway.

I'm thinking that I should move to Linden Hall next year. Get a regular single room to save money, shorter walk to classes, closer to the guys... no more walking back at 3 AM in the dark all by my lonesome. See, here's the problem: being that I'm a girl, walking that late at night by myself is scary and even dangerous. But at the same time, I feel sorta dumb asking any of the guys to walk me back because they all live in the same building. I mean, they all pretty much treat me like the proverbial "one of the guys". I like that and I don't want to ruin it. So... dilemma. Feh. It's not that bad... right?

On a completely unrelated topic, I've been spending way too much time reading the dumb tech support stories on here. I'm very happy not to be that much of an idiot. I may not be a computer whiz or anything, but I can generally keep from fucking the damn thing up beyond all repair. I can't decide whether I feel bad for the tech support people or not, tho... some of them can be pretty surly and nasty. But others are quite helpful. I guess it depends.

Nuff for now. I should have something for dinner, now that I'm not feeling so sick anymore. Later!

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Up and down and up and down and up....

It's been that sort of day. Roller-coaster-y. I went to bed last night at 3 AM, in a good mood from playing D&D all night. I woke up at 9, pissed off because I was tired, alternated between feeling good and really sad all through the day, got home feeling just miserable and on the verge of crying, fell asleep for 40 minutes, and now everything is okay and in focus and much better. I think my body's telling me that it needs to be taken care of this weekend. My stomach's been upset every time I've tried to eat anything more substantial than fruit for the past couple days, so if fruit's what it wants, fruit is what it's going to get. I'm headed out to the grocery store for a few things, and I think I'll spend my weekend sleeping, drinking tea and juice, and trying to get rid of whatever physical or mental toxin is trying to make me miserable. Cleaning my room would be a good idea, too. I was gonna do that last night, but since the game got moved up it didn't get done.

Also, must remember to do my telephone message assignment for my Intermediate Writing class. Forgetting that would not be good, so I'm making a note here where I'm sure I'll read it.

Should call my parents tonight, too. They probably think I've dropped off the face of the earth by now.

Anyway, I should get to doing these things while I'm still feeling marginally good. More later if I feel like it.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Wow... rapid thoughts.

Wow... for not having gotten much sleep last night, I've got energy. It's weird... I haven't eaten a lot today and I'm not even hungry. My mind's buzzing and I've had a huge ton of energy since talking to Erin and then getting a call from Matt saying that we're moving D&D to tonight. So I've gotta be there in about 45 minutes.

I'm sorta having dinner, cuz I know that if I don't eat something I'll be miserable and pissed by midnight. So I had a pudding cup and about half a can of pineapple chunks. Might have a granola bar in a minute or two. I feel like I'm regressing back to kindergarten. Most of my diet as a college student is made up of juice boxes, pudding cups, hot dogs, mac and cheese, canned fruit.... Okay, lots of soda, too. It would help my maturity somewhat if I drank coffee or something, but I hate the stuff (except, on very rare occasions, Frappuccino, when I've got a craving for bitter sweet milk). Oh, yeah... string cheese. I have a lot of string cheese, too. Yay calcium! Oh, well. Being a kid again is fun, now that I'm mature enough to appreciate it.

I hope this energy will continue through the rest of the night. Matt promised that we'd end at midnight at the latest, but I'm not holding my breath.

It's been an absolutely beautiful day. Plenty of sun, got up above freezing (!), mild breeze... I just wanted to go out and play in the snow, but no... had to go to class. Yech.

Rumi class had me sorta pissed today. I mean, it was okay in the small groups and everything, but I'm just so uncomfortable talking about deep subjects with other people. Not to mention things like lust vs. love. I've never had a boyfriend. I've never been in love with someone. Lust, sure. I lust after lots of people. For the most part, they're either gay or already taken (or both!), so there's not anything I can do about it. Relationships are a shitty topic for me, and that's what we were sorta focused on. I don't have anything useful to say about the subject, so I sit there all quiet and people don't like that. Oh, well. I'm done with it for the next week.

I think I'm just gonna be done with this now, cuz I'm starting to type slower which indicates that I'm running out of good spontaneous stuff to say. Except.... Howard Dean is out of the presidential race. Very interesting. Maybe it'll be Kerry going up against Bush. I like Kerry. Okay, done with that now. Wish me luck and smite-y goodness! Bye.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

The daily blathering... much fun for me, anyway.

Well, according to Erin, there's a lot of people visiting Froyd's blog from mine. Which is to be expected because Froyd is, of course, awesome. Also interesting is the fact that I never use the link from my site to his, so it's all other people. So... yeah. Interesting.

Related topic: I went to writers' group last night and actually brought a piece. And apparently, it was pretty decent writing. Needs work, of course, but it was well-recieved. So I am happy and proud. La la la...

Uh... decent day today. Just went down to Erin's to make dinner (boxed chicken and biscuits... nummy...) and talk and stuff. That's always good. Classes were okay. My Intermediate Writng prof apparently liked my essay. I turned in the writing project proposal letter thingie today, and I hope he likes that idea, too. My plan is to do a three-part story about traveling in the west and southwest. I think I'd like to do it in a sort of journal form, telling it from the point of view of a girl driving with her dad, who takes her on a three-week vacation because she has never really seen much of the world outside of her own small town and he wants her to experience it. Or something like that. We'll see if the prof likes that idea. If not... eh. I'll find something else. I just feel this need to write about all these places I've been, not really autobiographically (geez... that's hard to type), but probably sort of a romanticized retelling. I wasn't particularly happy when I was living in New Mexico, but I still have a soft spot in my heart for the mountains and the deserts. And the Joshua Trees. Those things are awesome.

Someday I'm going to have to sit down and write about all the stuff that happened to me emotionally between the time I graduated from--or even started--high school and the time I moved up here to Bemidji. It's not something I'm likely to share with people, except to say that I was really really fucked up during that time and it's something I want to remember so it doesn't happen again. And I guess I kind of want to work it through, now that I'm... better? Stable? Sane? Something like that. Through some magic combination of location change and serendipity, I'm happy now. I realize that this isn't a big deal for most people, but I spent so much time being unhappy and depressed and self-loathing that it still sort of pleasantly surprises me to find that I can deal with my life now and be happy and go to social gatherings without being (overly) self-conscious and succeed in college and do all the things that normal people do. And it's been that way for about half a year. Doin' good, oh yeah....

Now that that's out of my system, I should probably go and work on some homework. Got poetry to read (Shelley, yay!) and some Rumi journal stuff to do. Long class day tomorrow, and D&D the day after. Boing boing.... heh heh. Life is good. Peace!

Monday, February 16, 2004

High School Sucked!

I just woke up from naptime. Naptime is an important part of me not hauling off and slapping some of the people I live with. Very, very important. And now it is over.

Here's an interesting story on the value of a high school diploma in the United States. For those of you non-foreigners, do you realize that by the time they have graduated from high school, students from several European countries (**coff coff** France **coff coff**) have earned the equivalent of a liberal arts associates's degree here in the States? A high school diploma here is pretty much worthless. You can't get a decent job without some college education.

There's ways to change this, you know. First of all, start fuckin' paying teachers. Teachers are extraordinary people. They deserve more than what they get. It's time for the administrators to take a pay cut so we can get some quality education. Second of all, put money back into school programs. My small-town high school offered a grand total of one AP class (calculus), which I took (and passed the test with a 4). I know that there are a lot of other schools in the area that offered more, but the whole point is that we could not afford to pay teachers to teach advanced classes, and even if we had, most students probably wouldn't have taken them. There was plenty of money to hire remedial teachers for students who just didn't "get" basic grammar or multiplication and division the first seven times they'd seen it. But nothing was left for students who wanted to achieve more. I can't be the only one who feels that this was completely unfair.

Anyway. Time for dinner. Then time for writer's group. Ah yes, the joy of my existence. See ya later.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

I'm back where I belong.

Now this is great news. Gay couples are being allowed to marry in San Fransisco. Here's an interesting question: why didn't I see anything about this on the news when I was watching at home over the weekend? Is it a conspiracy? Or did I just not notice, being too busy trying to keep the cats from killing each other? Personally, I'm a conspiracy theorist. Sometimes. Heh.

Please note, however, that California is still the den of all that is evil in this world. San Fransisco is simply a shining diamond among the concrete.

So I'm back at the dorms, and I'm feeling good. Except for the nightmares that I was having while I took a nap. Can't remember em, and I probably don't want to. I saw The Butterfly Effect over the weekend, so that probably had something to do with it. By the way... The acting in that movie sucked. But I went with my friend Amber, so I still had fun.

I keep a very close watch on SweetAndSourGoth's blog, and her talk of subcultures leads me to an interesting question: Do I have a subculture that I'm not aware of? I always sort of thought I was a culture unto myself. I mean, I generally like and even admire gothies, but I'm most definitely not one. Nor am I a spookykid (Don't you have to like Marilyn Manson for that?) or an emo kid (see here), or a punk or a hipster. On the other end of the spectrum, I'm definitely not a jock or a prep either. I guess I'm a bit of a geek, but that seems like such a wide genre. I'm no computer programmer type, tho I know how to use a computer and do simple HTML. I don't do sci-fi conventions. I'm not a big anime fan. So this leaves me... where? I'm confused.

Mm... brownies. I want a brownie now. They're making them on the Food Network, and I'm jealous.

Okay, that's enough for now. I've got writing projects to work on, among other things. Toodles!

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Bad Trip (not THAT kind of trip...)

Well. Here's the news of the day: momma cat is DEFINITELY in heat, apparently they're gonna find some way to get her and her daughter spayed on Monday. All of today has been stressful, moneywise. There's just no way for me to get around it anymore. I have to get a job. I don't want to be home anymore. It's like Bemidji is one of those magical places where, once I get there, all my troubles go away. This is called avoidance. It's bad for you. But oh, so blissful when it works. I wanna get back to my friends and my books and my computer and my bed and that tiny room where I can keep everyone out if I want. What I want, I think, is autonomy. I wish I could afford to pay my way through college without all these loans and stuff. Stupid fucking legislators who don't care one whit about education or really anything but their own fuckin pocketbooks. Or ballot boxes. Or both. It's not just them, either. It's our governor and our president, too. Hell, even my parents are starting to agree with me. Once my conservative parents start to side with the liberals, there is something seriously fucked up about the country.

I don't want to come back any time soon. Everything here is just irritating me, and right now I can't really fathom coming back here for the summer. But I can't afford to stay in school over the summer. I have a feeling that I'm just going to be miserable. But there's no one up in Bemidji to keep me company over the summer, either. So it'd suck either way. I'll just have to find a full-time job and do what I can to stay out of the house for three months.

I just don't know what to do. I need to get out of this house soon, for good. I wish I could get an apartment or something. Can't afford it, tho. Maybe if I make enough money, I'll stay in Bemidji for the summer anyway and just go to school. I'm a semester behind, anyway. Even taking 18 credits/semester for the next two years won't get me up to speed. I have to go at least one summer, but I can't afford it. Money sucks. It does. It makes people miserable. No... wanting makes people miserable. That's closer to the truth. But it's not possible to live without want, even if it's just want for something small like a softer bed or a sandwich when you're hungry. So life=want, want=misery, therefore life=misery? Didn't I read something like that in a Buddhism book? Arg. **insert string of cussing that would make a sailor blush**

I should just go to bed. I'm driving home tomorrow. When I get there I can get a few groceries, sit down and read my assignments, maybe talk to Erin... and Monday, there's writer's group and I actually have a piece. I'll get to see my friends again. And... before I go home, i'm gonna stop at a little place I know and buy my own polyhedral (more or less than six sides) dice. :) Tee-hee! I'll get nice ones... shiny ones... green ones? I liked the transparent ones I saw... one of the guys had purple, blue, and goldish-yellow transparent ones. I think I'd like green or red or something different. **WARNING! Girly thought ahead!** They're just so pretty... **end girly thought.** As a matter of fact... I think that most of the ones I saw were purple. Weird.

Time to sleep. So much to do tomorrow. It'll be a better day. I'm sure of it. Adieu.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Okay... it's later still, but I had to post this

Got one kitten up on the computer desk right now. He's sitting directly in front of the screen and following the cursor as I move the mouse and type. His name is Jamie, and he's soft and orange and white. I love him very much. It's sort of endearing how interested in the computer he is. He's even purring! I guess geeky people end up with geeky cats?

Home... uh... yay?

Well, I'm home for the weekend. I'm considerably less happy about it than I probably could be. I've been here for about 7 hours and there's already been yelling and whining and I'm tired and sick to my stomach and the damned kittens are being naughty and I think the mom cat is going into heat and there's no money to spay her. There's already been the "my sister and money" conversation, as well as the orders from my sister for me to take her places and buy her things. She's 18, you'd think she'd have learned some common courtesy by now. I'm ready to go back to the dorms already. Bloody hell. Kittens destroyed my Mardi Gras mask that I made in French class in high school. You wouldn't think it'd bug me so much, but I really loved that mask and I'm actually sad. Really sad about it. I was gonna bring it up to add a little decoration to my room. Sigh. Dammit.

Okay, two good things have happened. One, I went to a movie with Amber and got to talk about boys and D&D and all that good stuff... And yes, she's yet another girl who's really interested in roleplaying stuff (she does hers solely on the computer). Fancy that. Number Two, I got into an interesting conversation with my dad about poetry and writing. By the way, to whoever's reading this, did you ever learn how to diagram sentences? Cuz I sure didn't. And if you did, when did you learn?

So I got about five hours of sleep last night. First, as evidenced by the last post, I didn't get home till about 3:00 and had to check my e-mail and blog a lil before I could even think about going to sleep (is that obsessive?) and then, when I finally did go to bed, I was still in such a spectacular mood that I was giggling as I lay in bed. Moments like that make me so glad that I don't have a roommate. So, finally got to sleep around 4. Got up at about 8:15 cuz I had to pee, tried to go back to sleep for a little while, and found that it was nearly impossible. Yes, I was still bouncy. At this point in time, I was getting a lil frustrated because I was exhausted, yet too mentally revved up to sleep again. I ended up finally getting some sleep between 8:45 and 9:45... might've been an hour, might've been half that. Got up at 9:45 to shower (get the smoke smell out of my hair) and get dressed and even managed a little breakfast before leaving for class at 10:40. Went to class, went to the student union for a sandwich, went to my room, checked e-mail, packed a bag, drove for 3 and a half hours (no traffic to speak of, thank the indifferent gods [and thank Slumbering Lungfish for that expression]), got home, greeted everyone, listened to my lil sis whine at me, talked to my dad, left with Amber at 6:15, came back around 10, had dinner, talked with dad, scolded kittens... It's been sort of a long day.

Anyone still there? No? That's fine. I'm used to talking to myself. I spent most of the ride home just belting out every song I could think of that I like to sing. Now my throat sorta hurts. No, I don't usually do that in the car when there's someone else there. Okay... maybe in my head, I do. But not out loud.

Time to go? Okay, I think I will. Sleepy... peace, y'all.

It's late... I'm tired... yet psyched!

Game was GREAT! I'm all happy and bouncy now, second time this week. I got to smite goblins. Five of em. And set a huge-ass bear on fire. This qualifies as a good night. Now all I've gotta get down is the role-playing and it'll be spectacular. Note: I haven't been the only girl in that big of a roomful of guys for quite a while. Surprisingly, I think I missed it. Guys are a lot more fun to hang out with than girls(exceptions exist, and they know who they are).

But now I smell like smoke (**sarcasm** Thanks, Hans. Okay, and Sid.) and I'm exhausted, plus I have to get up for class tomorrow. I'll have to write more tomorrow. G'night!

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Um... wow...

Type "the long and winding road" into google. You come up with my site at the TOP OF THE LIST! I don't believe I've ever been so pleased in my life. However.... To avoid pissing off anyone who is looking for the lyrics or information about the actual song, I've decided to put links to the lyrics and the official website (once I find suitable links) on the sidebar. I'm near the top of the list on Yahoo! search, too. I never meant for that to happen, by the way... I'm no fame-monger. But still... pretty neat.

Actually my site shows up near the top on a lot of weird searches (I get my information courtesy of Bravenet's hit counter/site moniter). The weirdest one so far was a Google search for "who buys orange juice in China, Shanghai". I've got a couple questions here. First off, what are the circumstances surrounding this question? Is it a sarcastic question? Are they going to laugh at the people who do? And lastly, who does buy orange juice in China, Shanghai?

Got some stuff to do today. I need to wash some clothes and get packed so I can leave right after class tomorrow (was gonna just skip, but Gurney looked sorta disappointed when I said I was gonna miss his lecture on Shelley's "Adonais", so I decided to bump my schedule around so I could go to class and leave right after), and I've got to finish some character description/history stuff for the game tonight. It's been a wonderful day so far. Poetry prof loved my poem (she wrote "Wonderful!" on the bottom), we had a really interesting discussion in Intermediate Writing where I caught a literary allusion that even the prof missed (love when that happens, I'm growing an ego), talked to a friend who went to Lobby Day and got to yell at our legislators and had one of them call her a "wacko environmentalist" or words to that effect, and a couple people from my poetry class were talking about my other website and the pic and story I have up there from the first time I went to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And now I come home and I'm at the top on Google. This day rocks!

That's all for now, maybe I'll write more tonight if I get time. Love and peace, y'all!

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Music, poetry, politics... the whole shebang (as they say)

Fire drills suck. I swear we've had an alarm go off at least once every week since I got back from break. It's too chilly out for that sort of thing.

You know what's really cool? Internet radio. I love it. I'm listening to the BBC classical station right now. Beautiful, and perfect mood music for writing poetry. Much bigger selection that what I've got on CD's. I may have issues with Real One Player, but it does have a good internet radio thing. Much better than Windows Media Player.

Gotta write a poem. I don't know what to say. I wish I could write like Shelley or Byron or Coleridge, something in the romantic style. But that professor of ours wants modern, so modern is what we give her. One of these days, tho, I'll write something in iambic pentameter with some sort of poetic form and see if she goes for it. Or maybe a nursery rhyme. I wrote one of those once. It went:

Rain on the rooftop,
Rain in the trees...
Rain in the parlor?
How could this be?
Rain on the rooftop,
Rain in the trees...
Leaks in the rooftop!
Rain on me.


It was weird, cuz one day several years ago I just woke up with that poem in my head. I must have composed it in a dream. I should really get back to trying to train myself to lucid dream. I've done it several times recently, just by accident. Usually though, the lucidity only lasts for a moment or two, enough for me to get my dream self out of whatever danger I was in. When I was really young I used to have dreams about a car that was driving itself while I was in the passenger seat, and it was headed full-speed towards a brick wall, and I would suddenly realize I was dreaming and force myself to wake up. It seems that I usually have lucid moments when I am having nightmares. This is probably because my nightmares are so weird that they couldn't possibly happen in real life and therefore I discover that I'm dreaming.

In other news, Bill O'Reilly finally admits he was wrong about WMD in Iraq! Not a perfect admission, tho. He still hasn't said that he doesn't trust the Bush administration. Ya win some, ya lose some, I guess. Michael Moore has more to say on the subject, and a few others, if you're interested. I've said this before, but I like Mr. Moore. I like his style. Even tho I can't agree with him on everything or live up to the sort of politically/socially conscious person I should be (I still shop at Walmart cuz it's cheap and I'm a poor college student in a town with few shopping choices, and I drive a pick-up truck. Let it be known, however, that I didn't buy this truck. It's 12 years old, I got it from my dad, and 4-wheel-drive is pretty damn helpful if you're gonna live in Nothern Minnesota and plan on travelling in the winter. Plus, I only drive maybe once or twice a week. I walk to class.), he's got good stuff to say. Also on the topic of Michael Moore, his name came up briefly in a small-group discussion in my poetry class when we were pretending to work. A couple people I talked to had just recently seen Bowling for Columbine and we were chatting about what a great movie it is. If you haven't seen it, please do.

D&D tomorrow, or so I've been promised. I had a nice conversation with a couple guys about it today. They were telling the inept one (a.k.a., me) about how to play and what sorts of things they've done in games before. I'm excited and a little bit nervous and happy and all sorts of other things. These two guys are great, lotsa fun, love 'em to death. Wow, I'm even getting a little bouncy... not common for me.

This is getting long, so 'nuff for now. I've gotta get to work.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Doesn't anyone in the capitol have anything better to do?

US bans time-honoured typeface. 30/01/2004. ABC News Online

Found this while looking for a courier font. I guess I wasn't aware that the font of official documents was such a controversial and life-altering topic. Much more important, say, than ending homelessness or educating children. Sigh...

Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know

I've got an urge to write a poem entitled "Twenty Minutes to Midnight". I don't know what exactly it would be about. But I like that phrase. My laundry will be done at twenty minutes to midnight.

I think Erin is having a bad influence on me. :-) At first all I had was an interest in dark poetry and an affinity for black t-shirts/turtlenecks. Now she's got me listening to gothie music and, horror of horrors (heh), liking it. Fear not, tho. I doubt that there's anything in this world that will separate my from my jeans and my blond, un-dyed hair. But I did go through one of those "goth tests", just for kicks (well, what do you do at 2 AM when every bone in your body has forbidden you to complete your homework?) and one of the questions under the Literature section was "Who was 'Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to know'?" Gotta love good ol' Lord Byron. So here's the thing I don't get: I know that Byron wrote some pretty dark shit, but he also wrote Don Juan, the first canto of which, if you've got the right person reading it to you (hey, Dr. Gurney!), is absolutely hilarious and not particularly morbid. So is he still considered gothic? And if so, is Don Juan considered gothic as well by virtue of Byron's authorship? Or am I just being petty and using poor logic to confuse myself more than usual? Anyone?

I've got an undeniable case of the munchies tonight. I know I had dinner (can't remember what at the moment, it was right after I woke up from a very nice nap), but now I'm really really hungry again. So it's sandwich time. Gotta use up this bread before I leave for the weekend so it doesn't go bad, anyway. Slice of provolone cheese, a little turkey, and some mustard. On wheat bread. Do you care what I'm having for dinner? No? Too bad.

Still listening to gothie radio. They've got a nice little techno beat going, layered with British-accented lyrics. I could picture people dancing to this in a dark smoky little club. Very nice indeed.

Well, laundry's almost done and I've got some Rumi work to do tonight, so I'm gonna check out of here and do something useful. Adieu.

Monday, February 09, 2004

Rambling. Pay no attention.

Well... tonight was sort of a waste. No writer's group meeting to speak of. There were six of us there and none of us were the leader. So we sat and talked literature and school and religion. And had fun. But... I had something written this time! Argh! Next week, then. Next week will be glorious.

Got two pages of paper due tomorrow. Plus poetry shit. I should get working. I should really, really get working. Will I? No chance in hell. I'll be up till 3 AM and I know it. I'm starving right now... should get myself a sandwich and some juice. Orange juice is one of God's greatest gifts to humankind. Sweet, yet sour. Fruity, but not cloying. Very tasty stuff. And to think that for years I wouldn't drink it. That was because of the pulp. Buy pulp-free, and it's all good. And it's got vitamin C in it! It's good for you! Drink some now!

TV sucks. I'm watching Comedy Central standup. It's the least terrible thing on right now. This makes me sad.

Uh... now they're advertising small SUV's. As if that's going to convince all the environmentally-conscious people that it's okay to drive one. Just ignore the fact that it only gets about 15 MPG. God, people. Drive something economical! It'll even save you money. You like money. It buys you more McDonalds shit food and golf clubs. **Grumble**

Apologies to all the smart, wonderful people who probably read this. That was just me ranting. I love you all, really! As much as I can love a person I don't know, anyway. Yikes, I must be over-tired. Rambling...

Gotta get work done. G'night, all.

I'm on Google!

New discovery: my blog is 7th on a google search for "cold sore an chap stic". This pleases me in ways that I don't entirely understand.

Headed to class. Wish me luck... stupid neighbors' boyfriends were outside my room talking last night so I couldn't sleep. I got about 5 or 6 hours. Grumble.... bye.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Who'da thunk it?

A quick li'l poem I wrote in about five minutes just now:

I've heard poor Molly Malone
And sad Dublin O'Shea
And I've danced at Tim Finnegan's
While there dead he lay

I've heard the glories of Pearce
Tom Clark and McBride,
DeValera, McDermott,
Who for Ireland died.

I've sang of punch and whiskey
And the British--evil louts
I'll drink the parting glass and go
Cuz I'm all Irished out.

I hate Sunday

I do. I hate it. There's NOTHING to do. I want to pretty much sleep all day, but I know that if I do I won't be able to sleep tonight and then I'll be miserable tomorrow. I should be writing something for writer's group. I've got about a half-page start on a story that I haven't managed to mess up yet. But I just don't know what else to do. It's sort of an original idea, at least. Less trite and cliche`than the last couple I've thought of. Grumpy grumpy grumpy... And it's STILL FUCKIN HOT IN HERE! Window's cracked open, fan's going and I'm just about boiling. Stupid dorms.

Okay, that was my bitchy rant for now.

The Finger! (ooh, I'm so offended... heh)

The greatest thing about this article is not the fact that the guy gave the finger to the Brazilians (actually I think that was pretty rude and stupid of him) but the fact that they have a picture of it that's not blurred out! I love the British news media....

Which brings me to a question: why do we blur that sort of thing out here in America? It's a finger. If you're watching it on TV or seeing it in the newspaper, you know it's not directed at you personally. So why get offended? I'm sure this falls under the realm of free speech/freedom of the press somewhere.

WAAAAAY too late at night...

So what am I doing up this late at night, you might ask. Well, I'll tell you: I'm singing drinking songs to myself and watching Looney Tunes. And blogging, obviously. And why? I have no idea. Guess I'm not quite tired enough yet. My throat is sore now, though.

I said I was gonna go to church tomorrow. I don't think it's gonna happen. I know I won't wake up till noon or so. And then I'll waste all my time sitting in front of this damned computer. Or watching TV. Or maybe not.

I watched Shanghai Noon tonight with Erin and her neighbor. Most of it, anyway. Erin's amour came in near the end and made a minor (very entertaining) ruckus. Hey, he's acting sweet for now, I can deal. If he does something mean again, however... But he's doin' good so far. Wonder if he reads this... I know he's read Erin's blog, and mine's linked to hers, so....

Okay, now I'm tired. So I'm gonna say bonne nuit and head to bed.

Saturday, February 07, 2004

He he he.... I love it.

BBC NEWS | World | Asia-Pacific | China nappy business tries to trademark Bush

So appropriate.

This week's Fragment

Well, I didn't do one last week, but I liked doing it two weeks ago, so I'll give it a shot again.
Fragment for Feb. 7, 2004:


He came into the Conoco station where I worked every morning to buy his breakfast before
heading to work. His name was Jack, he was tall, he had dark hair and blue eyes, and I was
in love. That morning he bought a blueberry muffin and a 20-ounce coffee. When he came
in, I stood up a little straighter and ran my hands down my dumpy uniform to straighten it
out.

"You should ask him out, Hope," whispered my co-worker Chaz from the other
register. I gave him an I-don't-think-so look. It was rush hour and the store was busy,
and I barely even knew him. Chaz caught my glare and shrugged, whispering again, "Well, I
think you ought to, is all..."

Jack brought his coffee and muffin up to the line in front of my register. There
were two people ahead of him. He always came to my register, I realized just then. Even
if the other one was open, he'd let someone else switch. Maybe that means something, I
thought. Or maybe it's not even true, said the doubting voice in my head. He probably
didn't even notice that he had the same cashier every morning. It's not something I notice
when I go to buy groceries or anything.

One person left between him and me. I tried to justify asking him out to myself.
It's not that I wanted a big fancy dinner and a show, after all. I'd be happy with coffee
at the cafe downtown after work. And I was pretty sure he wasn't married or seeing
someone. He didn't wear a wedding ring and when he opened his wallet to pull out money, he
didn't have any pictures of a wife or a girlfriend. But why would he pick me, anyway? He
was a young professional, and I was just a cashier in a gas station. I sighed in my head.
It was probably hopeless. I'll leave the poor guy alone.

He was at the counter now. I rang up his purchase and told him the total. He dug
through his wallet and set a ten-dollar bill on the counter. As I reached to take it, he
put his hand on mine and said, "You're very pretty, you know that?"

I stood there dumbfounded for a second. He took his hand away and said, "Sorry...
it's just that I see you every day here and you really are beautiful."

"Th-thank you," I stuttered, still trying to get my mouth to form real words. He
smiled and whispered, "You're welcome." I got his change from the register and as I handed
it to him, I blurted out, "Wanna go get coffee after you get off work?" Then I realized
what I'd just said and clapped my hand over my mouth, eyes wide. He noticed and chuckled,
saying, "Sure, where?"

Deep breath, hand off mouth, speak..."The cafe across the street?"

"Sure. I can be there by five."

I nodded. "Okay."

"Okay," he said and turned to go, but then stopped and looked back.

"I know your name's Hope, but what's your last name?"

"Davies. What's yours?"

"Paris. See you at five." And he was gone.

Friday, February 06, 2004

The secret behind Good Morning America

Early for a post, but...

So i'm sitting here watching Good Morning America before heading off to class (volume WAY down because it grinds on my nerves to see cheerful people before noon) and they're doing one of these "behind-the-scenes" shows. Suddenly, they explain why Diane Sawyer is always so cheerful and energetic: by 8:15 am she's already had THREE diet colas and two espressos. If I had that much caffiene in the mornings, I'd be bouncy and cheerful, too... between the heart palpitations....

I've got a bloody nose (damn dry winter air) and I've got to go to class. So that's all for now.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Li'l change of plans..

Well, the game got put off till next week, but that's okay. So I went to help Erin with her weblog. And to watch South Park. The episode was all about Butters, and man was it dark... but funny. :)

Went to poetry class today and the same prof I keep whining about told me that the poem I brought in today should be published in the school's writing book thing. Now don't think I'm reconsidering my opinion on her... but it was a good feeling.

I've got the munchies. I had a sandwich and most of a bottle of Coke for dinner. But now I want something else. Grocery shopping... tomorrow or Saturday, if I can hold out that long. I'm craving hot dogs. How sad is that? I hate those things! Know what really sucks about living in the dorms? No freezer space. Mine can hold three TV dinners and a pint of ice cream. That's it. It's the size of a shoebox, I swear.

I haven't read the news today. I should. It's important to be well-informed. But screw it, I don't feel like being socially responsible. I feel sorta like writing, actually. And reading. I should get down to that sort of thing before the feeling leaves me. Read more Byron, maybe.... I like Byron. The first stanza of Don Juan made me laugh out loud in the middle of the Student Union so people started staring. It's great!
"
Okay... one article... this is utterly laughable. A 7-year-old got suspended for saying "hell" in school. Sigh.... Get a grip, people. Here's my quick view: the first white people to come to America were Puritains. Many people still are descendents from Puritains. We never got away from their strict moral code, no matter how people say that America is going to shit. We freak out about a naked breast on national TV. We suspend kids for saying a very mild swear word (anyone ever heard of a warning?). I've said it before, I'll say it again: I'm goin to Canada.

That's it for now. Time for me to go and do something else for a while. A bientot.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

A good day! Yay!

I'm feelin good and I think it's the music. I got a new Clancy Brothers & Tommy Makem CD set today. EVERYONE should listen to Irish music at least once in their lives. Irish, Scottish, whatever... it has the ability to make you feel really good for no particular reason except that it's so much fun to listen to. Nice when I've had such a crappy week.... I'm feeling much better now, thanks.

Actually, today has been a good one. I woke up and felt sorta crappy and accidentally pulled down my curtains trying to open them, but that was okay. One of my profs was gone today, so that cut down on my classes. And a friend invited me to join a D&D game tomorrow, so we spent much of the afternoon and evening putting together a character for me. I've never played before, and I'm excited but a lil nervous. It'll be an experience anyway.

Why is my room always so damned hot? I should have a thermostat in here, but unfortunately, the people who built this building decided that the heating system should be run centrally and just use radiators. Plus, no air conditioning. So I have to run my fan pretty much year-round. Sucks.

Not much more to talk about. I'm gonna get to homework stuff and other stuff. Adios.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

The requisite pre-homework blog

I need to go grocery shopping. I need to do my homework. I need to get some sleep. None of these things are likely to happen. This worries me. So what am I doing? Blogging. This is not on the list. I'm doing it anyway. Take that, responsibility!

Watching TV tonight, something I rarely do. I saw two (!) episodes of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Good Eats, and now Late Night with Conan O'Brien. I'm sure my brain is going to rot out of my head and drip from my ears sooner or later...

I'm slightly less miserable today, but still tired. I feel like I should just take a day off, but I don't wanna miss class. Especially not tomorrow. Tomorrow is a long day. I might just skip my Sufism class...Except I shouldn't. It's only once a week.... but it's also only one credit and, frankly, it sucks. I'm having real issues with the prof that I just can't explain except to say that a lot of things about her attitude towards teaching, and especially towards teaching poetry, really piss me off. I've got two classes with her and I can barely sit through them sometimes.

Is anyone else sick of the Janet Jackson Super Bowl breast story? Girls have 'em, guys like to look at 'em, guys got to look at 'em, the whole thing was probably a set-up, get over it.

I'm sick to death of her brother, too.

Okay, I've got to go and possibly get work done before I sleep. Bye.

Monday, February 02, 2004

Goin' insane tonight

It's an Elliott Smith night again tonight. Current song: Angeles.

Haven't been sleeping well or long enough, and napping doesn't seem to help. I have nightmares and when I nap, I end up not really sleeping but going into these weird trance-like half-awake states, like sleep paralysis that lasts for half an hour or so and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel like I'm plugged into an electric socket with this odd buzzing feeling going through me and all I can do is listen to the TV in the background and ride it out. And I'm seeing things, flashes of light and movement and ghosts in the corners. So, am I going nuts? Or am I just sleep-deprived? I dunno. It's just been a crappy fucking day. Even going to writers' group didn't make me feel better. Usually laughing at Froyd and/or Hans helps, but not tonight. Grumpy and pissed off, and no one to aim it at but myself.

Lookin for somebody's arms to wave away past harms....

Does that every happen? Are there people out there who try and make you feel better? Or do you just have to get really good at healing thyself in order to function? I know I was happy about three days ago. Hell, I was in a pretty decent mood yesterday. I hope it's just that it's Monday. Monday sucks. I feel ugly and lazy and stupid and worthless on Mondays. Tuesday will be better. Right?

Music's making me feel better. Or more specifically, singing along with the music as loud as is possible while still being courteous to my neighbors. Lyrics to remember: If you're alone, it must be you who wants to be apart. This was possibly the biggest problem I had for a while. Always alone, but blaming other people. So I'm trying to get out more, talk to people, be friendly and personable and less distant and stoic and cold. It works most of the time. Some days I fall back again, but I will rise! DO YOU HEAR ME? I WILL RISE! Take that, me!

Should I really be making all these private rantings public? I guess I don't see the harm in it. Being secretive sure doesn't help me any. And if you don't like it, don't read, right? Y'all should see my journal from middle school... quite a little piece of insanity if I do say so myself.

Just as I was sitting in the meeting tonight, I had an idea for a story, but I didn't mention it to anyone. So now I'm gonna work on it and hopefully have something to bring in next week. So I better get to work on that. See ya later.

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be computer programs...

This pretty much convinces me that all computer programmers/computer science people are batshit insane. Please, for the love of God, give your child a real name! I mean, if his father's that much of a geek, he's already got enough problems. Calling him "Version 2.0" is just going to get him laughted at and/or beaten up in school.

Sigh.

On a happy note, Blogger seems to be working again. Yay!

Sunday, February 01, 2004

The Super Bowl, Stephen Malkmus, and the French

I'm back in the dorms now. It was a long drive in the snow on bad, slippery roads. But I'm happy to be home. Got to watch the Super Bowl with Erin and her neighbors. Ya know, a year or two ago, I never would have pictured myself liking football. But it's sorta fun. Erin's and my team (the Patriots) won, and the guys were a little pissed. Too bad for them, heh heh. We ordered a Hawaiian pizza and just sat around to watch the game, and of course the commercials. I loved that little donkey in the Budweiser commercial! So cute...

Anyway, after the game I went back up to my room to enter more bills at the Where's George website, and after entering them, I discovered that I had over 500 bills entered and therefore I get a free one-month trial of the Friends of Where's George program. Very fun. Usually $6 a month.

Other interesting thing I discovered... my blog shows up as the third entry on a French search engine's search for "Malkmus MPG." (Why anyone would add MPG to their search for Malkmus is beyond me.) In my opinion, this is awesome but also somewhat misleading. I love Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks, so here's a link to their official website. Hope that helps our Francophone friends. :)

And yes, I like the French. I really do. I keep hearing things (especially from some of the males I know) about how the French are wimps for not wanting to join us in the war in Iraq. Well... news flash. There are lots more important things than war. There's art, science, literature, philosophy, music, all the things that make life worth living and in some cases worth fighting to protect. So leave them alone, dammit! **cue The More You Know, The More You Grow rainbow PSA commercial thing**

Gotta get busy. Adieu and good night.